EMPLOYEE: “My boss doesn’t like me. He’s out to get me.”
HR: “What makes you think he doesn’t like you?
EMPLOYEE: “He called me names and is always mad when he’s around me. He just doesn’t like me. I’m afraid that he’s going to try to fire me.”
As an HR Director, I hear too many employees describe the relationship with their supervisors this way, even when the employee is considered by all accounts a good employee with no reason to worry. Why?
What I have learned is that much of what we all think, is only in our own head and is not necessarily true. Yep. We make up a lot of stuff about what’s going on in our workplace and the world in general.
The brain has been described as a pattern-making machine. It looks for patterns everywhere (even where there aren’t any). We have many THOUGHTS that come together in patterns, which eventually form BELIEFS about everything. And although we like to think of ourselves as rational, logical beings, we typically don’t investigate the object TRUTH of our THOUGHTS and BELIEFS by finding ways to prove or disprove what’s going on in our heads. (Look at your beliefs about Barack O'Bama or Sarah Palin as people; do you know either one of them? Where did you beliefs come from?)
Based on the way the brain is designed, the more we believe something, the more we see it in the world around us. And if we don’t examine what we have going on in our heads, we can end up making decisions about or reacting to situations and people in ways that can look wacky to others and that don’t serve us in the long run.
So, let’s go back to the employee who believes his boss doesn’t like him. As he keeps the “boss doesn’t like me” filter in place, the employee will see, hear, and experience events at work to align with that belief. When the boss doesn’t smile around him, the employee interprets that in relation to his belief, “the boss doesn’t like me”. He has now formed stronger brain connections around that thought, and uses the lack of smile to forge an even stronger connection to the belief that the boss doesn’t like him even though the employee has no idea whether the boss even saw him or whether the boss had other things on his mind.
Because we all do this, become aware of a few of the thoughts or beliefs you hold about a situation or another individual at work. Where did these thoughts come from? Were you a part of the situation – were you actually there? Do you interact regularly with the individual? Or did you form your thoughts and beliefs about them based on what others say or believe? What are you getting out of holding on to those thoughts and beliefs? Is it possible that the one experience you had of another individual was not the norm for him?
The Work by Byron Katie provides a simple yet powerful structure for investigating thoughts you can use on yourself. The basic process includes 4 questions and turnarounds regarding a thought you have:
1. Is it true?
2. Can you absolutely know that it’s true?
3. How do you react, what happens, when you believe that thought?
4. Who would you be without the thought?
And
Turn it around, and find three genuine examples of how the turnaround is true in your life.
So, what’s the boss in our example to do, especially if the boss isn’t against the employee? It’s an uphill battle for the boss. Assuming the boss isn’t mistreating the employee, he must continue to act professionally and respectfully in the workplace, and he must overlook the pettiness of the situation and try not to take it personally. Yes, it's a tall order. Others are in a better position to help, especially HR or other trusted supervisors and colleagues. They can assist the employee with looking at his beliefs and thoughts and to help him question them.
As a manager or business owner, question a belief you have about someone at work. Is it true?
